Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Wendy's abomination!

6000 restaurants worldwide!

Approximately once every other month, I take a drive up to Ottawa for a weekend visit.  Back when I lived in Montreal, I would travel the 401 to native Toronto at least once a month, and traipse the 2hr expanse between Montreal and Ottawa on a bi-weekly basis.  Road trips in my adult life are frequent and plenty.

Within this time of travel, I would always - without fail - stop at one of the many cookie cutter rest-stops littered alongside the highways.  Without fail, I'd consume more than my fair share of fast food and without fail, I'd be excited as Gary Glitter in a toy store.

So when an enthusiastic Ms. Holmes approached me about doing a review, I could not help but wonder why none of the fast-food burger shacks along these well travelled roads hadn't been subject to review.  I mean, sure, McDicks was recently dissected.  But It's not the same as making a mission of rest-stop food. There is indeed a perceived and yes, delusional difference between eating Mickey D's for lunch on a hump day than there is eating it at a pit stop.  And since, the glorious Golden Arches have already been subject of review, I'd figure I'd hone in on a personal favorite - the Wendy's Triple Decker.

I should preface this critique first by stating that of the fast food burger magnates, Wendy's ranks as my favorite.  This is squarely based on me not feeling like shit - both literally and figuratively - after sucking back a burg (as much as I love Big Macs, I will say this:  they slide out your ass faster than you can say poop). Shit value notwithstanding, Wendy's also doesn't really make you subconsciously feel like a mid-western pile of shit like a McDonalds or Burger King does.

Okay, so the Triple Decker.  This burger isn't really for the faint of heart.  With three square patties, cheese, trimmings and an extra order of bacon, the flagship 3D (get it? Triple D?)  weighs in at a hefty 3lbs.  Okay maybe not 3 lbs.  That could be a bold face lie.  But shit's heavy.  And not only heavy, but it gushes grease and juices out every corner upon every squeeze.  Its theatrics alone are enough to ward away the weak.

Unlike the BK's and the MCD's, Wendy burgers actually taste and feel like well...real meat (this could also attribute to the non-white trash feeling many get after scarfing down a Whopper).  Fast food's authenticity has never been a point of contention with me, but it's definitely a cherry on top when the meat is actually meat.  it's kind of the same way we look at the Canadian Olympic team:  our expectations aren't very high, but when someone does achieve higher than the bar, we bathe in all its glory to make us feel good.

Unfortunately I didn't feel good an hour after eating this thing thus rendering my initial paradigm useless like tits on a nun. I felt like I swallowed a baby who shat its diapers. The mammoth of a burger never sat well in my stomach and although I did hold her in till we got to Ottawa, the aftermath wasn't pretty. I basically gave birth to Biggie. A big black mess left my ass and that kind of spoiled the elation and sense of accomplishment that swept me when I was eating it. It kind of bummed me out. It deflated me and crushed my burger ego. Note to anyone: fast food burgers - delicious or not - are mounds of processed crap. And processed crap doesn't make you feel hot. They just make you birth black babies.

- chenyip

1 comment:

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